I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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