My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
