come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
