So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
