I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
