There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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