i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
