I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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