My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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