Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
