I'm going to jail i love you
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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