Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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