swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sext me about skeletons
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
