Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
