in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
