I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
