maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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