they need to just BURY HIM!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
