I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
