Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
