dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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