One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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