i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
