you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
