Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
