Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
