she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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