you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
