U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
