I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
