Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
