my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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