two words...techno handjob
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
