She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
