Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
