i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She announced her abortion via fbk
false alarm. still invincible.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
