i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
