I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
