It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
