Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
