I must be too annoying 4 u.
I puked a lego.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
