The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
