Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He passed out mid-signature
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I am mentally ready for anal.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
