Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
