you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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