How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
