Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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