Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
