I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
