Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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