his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
