I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
